My husband cheated on me and now he is apologizing after the affair. Should I give it to him?

I often get emails from women who aren’t sure how to respond to their husbands’ pleas for forgiveness or to “get them back” after being unfaithful or having an affair. Some common comments are things like, “He says he’s so sorry and desperate for me to take him back. He wants me to forgive him. He promises to make it up to me for this and will do ‘anything’ to get me back. But I’m still very angry and confused. Should I forgive him? Is it possible to forgive after being betrayed in this way? I will address these questions in the next article.

What does your heart tell you to do?:Often, after a few weeks or months after the affair, you will often hear your heart whisper to you what to do. You may still feel angry and confused. There may still be resentment and discomfort. And your feelings are likely to continue to fluctuate and change from day to day.

Still, in the midst of the chaos, you may start to hear or feel little whispers or feelings of empathy or affection. You may want to communicate with her husband, but her pride or the need to hold on to her feelings prevents you from doing so. Or, you may want her comfort or affection from her, but tell yourself that you absolutely shouldn’t need anything from this man.

The truth is, these little feelings are calling out to you because deep down you know there are some redeeming qualities in your husband and that you were once happy. You can start to remember the good things he has done or the good husband he was before this mistake. Yes, the bug absolutely changes things, but often it doesn’t and can’t completely negate things that happened before.

Some wives can never see this and these are the ones who often just can’t recover. Despite their best efforts and her husband trying everything in her power to repent, they just can’t put it behind them because they’re not willing to try. I’m not saying this is right or wrong. It simply is. Some wives are willing to try to separate who the man is and who he was before from an action she took. Some are not. This is individual to each person and does not necessarily reflect whether or not they are right. It is simply the way you feel and you are entitled to these feelings.

What was your marriage and history before the cheating: Often, you have to consider what your life was like before the adventure. If this is a man who has always treated you badly and your affair is more of the same in a series of abusive and negative actions, then you will probably find it much harder to forgive than if your reality is that your husband has always treated you badly. kindness and respect. Only you can evaluate this.

Try to think of a time when you are at least somewhat calm and can be somewhat objective. Ask yourself if, had it not been for the affair, you could have been and would have been happy in your marriage. If there were problems, were they those that could have been fixed or improved? Or were they deal breakers that it’s best to move on from?

It doesn’t matter what others think of you. What matters is what you want: So many women write to me and express their fears that they will be judged too harshly or as a “doormat” for getting their husbands back. The truth is, it’s nobody’s business but yours. You’re the one who’s going to have to live with it. And friends who are so judgmental often express their own insecurities or beliefs to you. They may not be with you when you spend the first few nights alone or when you have doubts and regrets. I am not saying that this is your future or your reality. She may well be happy or better off without her husband. But only you can determine if this is true. Not your friends. Not your family. Only you.

Is he really willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you after he cheated:At the end of the day, it all comes down to whether you believe him and his claims that he’s sorry. What has he done to prove this to you? Has he taken immediate steps to redeem himself, has he shown himself to be responsible and trustworthy, has he stopped all contact with the other woman, and has he worked with you to secure the future marriage? Has he taken full responsibility without trying to blame you? If he is eventually willing to do all of these things, then you have a good indication that he will actually do what he has said. Unfortunately, he can’t take back his actions, although he probably wishes he could. But, if he is doing all he can and your heart tells you that you may not want to walk away, this could well be valid and you could make the best of a difficult situation.

Forgiveness should be more for you than for him: Many people tell me that they think that forgiving is “giving up.” I really don’t agree. I understand that the perception may be that you are a stronger person if you hold on to anger and “punish” your husband. But in truth, holding on to these negative emotions hurts you just as much as it hurts him. You can’t really move forward, whether you want to stay married or not, if you focus on the negative instead of the positive in your life. Ultimately, the positive may not include your husband, but you should focus on surrounding yourself with what makes you feel better, not worse.