Taming the inner drama queen
Introduction
Question: My boyfriend was fed up with me being a “drama queen” as he called me and then he ended our relationship. I didn’t understand what he meant by that. He was just trying to express my feelings and communicate my thoughts. Now he calls me “big drama queen” in front of his friends and I feel humiliated. How do I know if I’m a drama queen and if I am, what can I do to stop being one?
One of three things may be happening in this subscriber’s situation:
1. His partner ended the relationship for some other reason than he stated and used the global “drama queen” label as an “easy way out” to avoid taking responsibility for why he really left.
2. Your partner may be emotionally suffocated, uncomfortable with his own feelings or those of others, and cannot tolerate his boyfriend’s expressiveness, leading him to end the relationship to distance himself.
3. You may be too passionate about your emotions and lack control or boundaries to manage your feelings effectively, not realizing that you may have been overwhelming and driving your partner away with your intensity.
There could be a host of other reasons for the breakup, but the above might be the most likely. If the reason was the n. 1 or the n. #2, our subscriber is better off looking for a more compatible partner who is able to express emotions, actively listen, and directly communicate their needs and desires. The fact that the ex-boyfriend made fun of her emotionality with her friends is also a sign of disrespect and should be seen as a big “red flag” about the ex’s level of maturity, character and integrity. the. If the reason is #3, our subscriber may benefit from learning skills to better regulate their emotions to avoid reactivity in their relationships with others; this could keep him from meeting her needs.
This article will offer some strategies on how to manage your feelings in your relationship with your partner so that you can change the dynamic that exists towards more positive outcomes for both of you.
What is a drama queen?
I personally hate labels and “drama queen” tends to have a negative connotation describing someone who is overly emotional, irrational, and over the top with their reactions and interpretations of events. I prefer to define a “drama queen” as someone who is passionate about how she feels and communicates this exuberance in a magnified way that may be out of proportion to the situation at hand. How’s that for a politically correct definition?
Other personality traits can include extreme sensitivity, jumping to negative conclusions, thinking the worst of things, moody, prone to overreacting, taking things out of context, impulsive, quirky, and the list goes on and on. These are, of course, stereotypical qualities; however, the defining characteristic would be the exaggerated feeling of being reactive. Drama queens share common distorted thinking styles that allow them to react to situations the way they do, namely catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion, dramatizing, creating worst-case scenarios, and basing their decisions on these judgments) , mind reading (assuming they know what others are thinking without having evidence to back it up), black and white thinking (thinking all/nothing and in terms of one or both), and overgeneralization (making general judgments about something or someone in all areas, using words such as always, never, everyone and nobody). The problem with the drama queen label is that it gives feelings a bad rap, and that’s a dangerous consequence. The key to success is to find that balance so that one does not operate within the extremes.
Facts about feelings
· As cliché as it sounds, all feelings are valid and okay; it’s what you do with them that counts. They are not right or wrong, they just are.
Feelings communicate to us what we need, what matters to us, and what is going on. They are signs to pay attention to and help us make decisions about what to say and do. Therefore, it is important to label the emotions we experience.
· We choose how we feel; no one makes us feel a certain way and, conversely, we cannot change other people’s feelings. Our reactions to situations are under our control.
Feelings demand recognition and should not be “stuffed.” Without some kind of healthy outlet to release, they can contribute to stress, medical and mental health problems, interpersonal problems, and lead to self-destructive behaviors to self-medicate against its effects.
8 Strategies to Calm Your Inner Drama Queen
Here are some suggestions for keeping your feelings “in check” so they don’t boil over and create undue stress for you or contribute to increased conflict with your partner during important arguments.
1. Pay attention to the sensations you feel in your body that indicate discomfort is developing. Delay your reaction to what is happening and take some “time out” to collect yourself and gain some clarity of thought and perspective.
2. Keep a journal, write your feelings down on paper, express yourself through some kind of art project, exercise, practice relaxation techniques.
3. Identify the triggers that give you moments of strong emotion. Do you notice any pattern? How can these situations be restructured? Engage in some productive problem solving to generate some possible solutions.
4. Monitor your internal dialogue. Your thoughts contribute to your feelings and behavior (they also interrelate with each other). During emotional moments, keep a written record of the situations, feelings, and thoughts that occur and work to uncover self-talk that can either improve your mood or cause distortions in thinking. Pay close attention to catastrophic and overgeneralizing thoughts and beliefs.
5. During a moment of drama, ask yourself these questions to gain additional perspective: Is this a real or imagined threat? If it is real, what is the probability that it will happen? I really can’t stand it? What is the worst that could happen and is it life or death threatening? Most of the time, you will feel baffled after taking a reality check like this.
6. Examine your moments of strong emotion and determine their function. What is the purpose behind your feelings or outbursts? What do you hope to achieve? What do you gain from that behavior? Stress relief? A feeling of power? Attention? Try to find alternative ways to meet these needs.
7. Many times in relationships, conflicts occur because the partner has unmet needs that they are acting out towards each other instead of being direct and asking for what they want. When you overreact with your partner, is it because they are not fulfilling a need? Do you not feel heard or understood so that the drama becomes a way of demanding your attention or adding an element of emphasis to your points? Learn to be assertive and make requests while doing the same for your boyfriend. Develop your mastery of communication and conflict negotiation skills.
8. Arguments or “dramatic sessions” with our partner take on predictable patterns over time, called chain reactions. He does or says something, you respond, he reacts, you react, and a downward spiral of negative responses to others’ statements and behaviors ensues. Draw a diagram on a piece of paper of your chain reactions in your relationship and practice rewriting these scripts so that they point to more productive outcomes.
conclusion
There is a cure for drama-queenitis! Be open and identify your feelings, find healthy release channels for your emotions and find ways to bring them into balance and logic to create a more level and stable emotional posture. As a couple, support each other and try to understand the underlying feelings and dynamics at play beneath your conflicts because there is special meaning behind the drama. Also, be sure to do an assessment of your life story and begin to heal any past pain you may be projecting onto your relationship that could take the form of dramatization. If you or your partner have difficulty understanding the language of emotions, read books on emotional intelligence and resilience. Applying these strategies can help you modulate your emotions and promote a much happier personal life. May the drama be served in the theater!
©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Certified Personal Life Coach Brian Rzepczynski is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
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