Reconciliation in lesbian relationships

On May 13, 2010, when I woke up that morning, no one could have convinced me where I would be almost a year later. I woke up distraught, anxious and completely lost. The day before my car broke down beyond repair, my boss warned me that if I didn’t have a car, I wouldn’t have a job; money was an issue, I found out I had a hernia stomach, and worst of all, my girlfriend had run off with her ex within 24 hours.

The pain was so unexpected and out of my control that it took me to a dark place that took me months to get over. It was that week that The lesbian guru was created, I felt so alone in the lesbian community and stunned by the complexities of being with a woman, I needed to learn more.

Even after I got a new car, got promoted to a new job, money issues resolved, got accepted into a PhD program, and had a sweet new girlfriend; I realized that she was still hurt and lost.

Seven months would pass; women entered and left my life, with the bitter taste of their ghost staining my memory. Seven months of crying late at night when no one was around. Seven months of healing the day she was born, and she was given the chance to leave her imprint on my skin. Seven months of wishing I could erase my memory and say “yes” to those who waited in the dark for me to recognize her love. Seven months of bread.

In late fall, after much self-exploration and questioning, I decided that maybe there was such a thing as “never really forgetting a person.” I was finally accepting that pieces were missing inside of me and that life needed to keep moving.

It was at this moment on a Sunday afternoon as I was sitting with my best friend Ellen in her car, weeping one last time in each other’s arms from our past loves and hurts that my phone lit up with an incoming message. At first I thought I had misread the name, but the second I looked at it the better I threw up. Ellen in shock read the name and proceeded to look for me (when I got out of the car and started walking). She read the message out loud and then looked at me with that WTF just happened look.

It was a “sorry” note, and it left me numb and emotional. I’d be lying if I said it’s not something I prayed for or don’t care about. I cared. I cared more than I was willing to admit or even wanted to feel. A part of me hated her for all the pain she had caused me and the other part just wanted to feel her skin under my hand, and more than anything I just wanted to know because.

I think that was when the reconciliation began for me. When a door opens to a relationship, we have many options. Most of me wanted to go in, leaving the door wide open so I could get out at any moment. I took a step in his direction; remembering that my intentions are always to be honest, keep an open mind and have limits, not walls, and never punish her for leaving me.

People are never broken and the human heart is never beyond repair, but when you reconcile with someone, it takes everyone in the relationship to want to. Reconciliation is a goal and requires a team to achieve it; One person cannot do all the work, nor is it fair.

Here are ten tips to help when starting the reconciliation process:

1. It starts with friendship. When my ex came back into my life we ​​made it clear that we would be friends. We were so determined to regain mutual trust at that level that we waited over a month to see each other again in person. The wait was worth it!
2. We gave ourselves permission to “ask anything and keep no secrets.” This came with an additional “please no details” side note. We also gave each other space to feel the anger and hurt, but express it appropriately when we were both calm and ready to listen.
3. This is an absolute “no-no,” with no yelling, yelling, name calling, or threats. Don’t harass them by texting or calling them multiple times! What’s done is done, and if you’re not willing to put it in the past, you can forget about it working in the future. Also, don’t play the victim or use the past as a weapon, for example, “you used to do this, you used to do that.”
4. Set some rules and limits. From time to time you have to set your limits. “There are certain things I can’t and won’t be okay with, it’s not a secret and I don’t expect you to read my mind so I’ll share it with you.”
5. More limits. Everyone I’ve allowed in knows this very well about me. I’m open to everyone and anyone, but if you hurt me and I give you a chance and you blow it, there are no more chances after that. I’ve learned that people won’t change if they don’t have too, so if you keep giving them chance after chance, there’s really no point in the person listening to you because they already know they’ll get away with it. I always forgive those who have hurt me and then let them go with an open heart, eg. “I wish you all the love and happiness in the world, thank you for the time you shared with me.”
6. Once you say you are ready to forgive, the work is up to you to achieve it. Forgiveness comes from within, so only you can make it happen.
7. It takes two to make the wheels of a relationship turn, so we all need to accept responsibility and fix the problem. Sometimes it’s not just about the other person who hurt us changing, but you included. It can be hard work, as we may have to change our attitudes and actions. Think about counseling and therapy if there are too many bumps in the road.
8. Don’t beg, that changes the power situation in a relationship and makes you feel like shit. You won’t need to beg if your actions and intentions are true, she will be able to see them.
9. Keep family and friends out of this. If you need to talk about it, that’s what we have in the mental health profession for “impartial individual trained to listen.” You don’t need anyone’s approval because if he tells you that he loves you, he should always be there to understand and support you. There are some who didn’t want my ex back in my life, but were supportive enough to know to shut the fuck up about their opinions and just spread the love (thank you, you’re a true friend!).
10. Always communicate calmly and rationally or you will just scare them away. Remember what brought the two of you together and what is worth fighting for, but do it maturely!

Nothing in life is guaranteed, we can only do as well as with what we have been given and understand. I don’t know if this relationship will work and I don’t care. I only care that some things are too big to pass up and that an opportunity for a life of true happiness can be found when anger, jealousy and mistrust are left behind; and compassion and love have taken their place.

Alex Karydi ~ The lesbian guru