My husband shows obvious signs of guilt after his affair. How should I react to this?
Many faithful spouses in an affair will freely admit that they would like to see their cheating spouse express guilt and remorse. There are many reasons for this. First, they want their spouse to feel many of the negative and painful emotions that they now feel because of her affair. They also believe that he deserves every feeling of guilt that surfaces. And, better yet, if he feels truly guilty, he might think twice before cheating again.
Still, when it comes to a spouse who is down at home and overcompensating for their guilt every day, it can start to wear you down. You may begin to think that this display of guilt is posturing or exaggeration. It’s not uncommon for wives to have mixed feelings about all the blame. Someone might say, “I’ll be honest. I like that my husband is suffering after his affair. I like that he feels bad about it and thinks badly of himself. He deserves all these feelings. a picnic in the park. But sometimes, her guilt seeps through the house. Don’t get me wrong. She should feel guilty. She used our family’s money to buy trips and gifts for this woman. She took money my children could have used “Lied to me and his mother and our children. He snuck away like a little weasel. He continued to have sex with me throughout the affair. So yes, he should be riddled with guilt. But it’s almost painful to watch. He walks all slumped over and seems that he’s going to cry at any moment. I constantly catch him staring into space. If we go to a restaurant, he’ll ask for salad and water. that he doesn’t deserve anything else. He just had his birthday and insisted that no one buy him any gifts because he said that in the he was not serving. If our children try to show affection to him, he will sometimes burst into tears and say that he does not deserve his love. He spends money we don’t really have buying me guilt gifts. So I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. On one hand, he should feel guilty. On the other hand, it’s a pain to be around. At some point, he will have to meet me as an equal if we are to save our marriage. And he acts like he can hardly stand to talk to me. How should I handle this?”
If you are in counseling, I would ask your counselor to take care of this. He or she will know the best way to deal with it. If you are not in counseling, I highly recommend it because a man who feels so bad about himself is vulnerable to undesirable behaviors and actions. Not only that, but as you mentioned, if he can’t focus on much else besides his guilt, it’s going to be hard to move on.
You are correct that some guilt is appropriate and healthy, but so much guilt that it becomes destructive is also not ideal. You can always try to have a conversation like “you don’t have to order salad and water. I know you feel guilty and I understand why. But going so far that we can’t enjoy a family dinner is not helping anyone. It’s not good for our children see their father so depressed. Why don’t we explore counseling and see what we can do for our family to make this better? It’s not helpful for any of us to feel this defeated all the time. move forward in some healthy way for our family, but we won’t be able to do that if your guilt prevents you from thinking you deserve to participate.”
People sometimes ask me if this kind of guilt is legitimate or if the husband is just posturing. Many times, it is totally legitimate. Imagine if you were caught in this kind of lie. Imagine how embarrassed and embarrassed you would feel. Imagine how difficult it would be to look your children in the eye. This is what your husband is dealing with, and he has to do it in front of an audience. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but it can be a difficult situation for everyone.
Your guilt can sometimes improve as healing begins. As her husband sees that she might one day take responsibility and at least begin to make up for this colossal mistake, she can begin to calm down with guilt. I often tell people that the best way to overcome this type of guilt is to become the spouse your family deserves. Yes, it’s normal to feel like the most lousy person in the world after you’ve been caught cheating. But when you stand up, face your mistake, accept responsibility willingly, and then do your best to make things right again, then that’s a good, honest first step. You can only honestly fix it and then promise never to do it again. Most people realize this over time and the guilt lessens, although it usually never completely goes away.