false repentance
When the moment of reckoning arrives, and an abuse victim has finally had their fill, the confrontation with their abuser is bound to set in motion a new set of somewhat predictable responses. It is a pivotal moment for her, because denial has finally given way to determination, and while confusion normally reigns, clarity is gaining ground.
The victim has reached a point where they are willing and able to openly state that the relationship has reached its breaking point. She can confront her abuser in the middle of a conflict, try to pick the perfect opportunity to get close to him, or pack her bags and leave a note on the bedside table. No matter how the problem is approached, the typical abuser is usually not receptive to being exposed, dismissed, or ignored. The victim needs to prepare; the game is almost certainly not over yet. She still has a few tricks up her sleeve.
In such a confrontation, an abuser will almost always immediately question his victim’s sanity or resolve. This can come in the form of feigned doubt, shock, or horror. The victim might hear something like this:
“Are you leaving?”
“Why would you do this to me?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, just go then. Go on, go. And don’t come crawling back to me. If you walk out that door, that’s it.”
He hopes that his presentation of innocence, even in anger, will make him doubt his credibility, his story, and his instincts. Maybe the incredulous look on her face and the tone of her voice are enough to get you hooked again.
This first tactic may well be followed by your de-escalation of the situation. Comments tend to go something like this:
“Why do you always have to give so much importance to things?”
“I had no idea you were so unhappy.”
“You just need help.”
“Why can’t we just sit down and talk about this like adults?”
“Everyone I’ve talked to says you’re too sensitive.”
Then there are the blame messages:
“I said I’m sorry. What more do you want from me?”
“I always knew you were self-centered, but I never thought you’d take it this far.” “I hope you know that you are dishonoring your wedding vows, your faith, and God.”
If, at this point, you can still hold your own and he can’t bring you down, the abuser has a pretty good idea that he could be in serious trouble; he is losing control. Now that he knows you’re serious, he needs to think fast and change his game. The abuser will often shake his head in disgust and give you some time to question the utter stupidity of his attack on him. If that doesn’t work, there are other options. The next step might be to soften his focus.
It might start with something like, “I can see you’re upset. But I know we can work things out.” Often the words “I’m so sorry” or “Can you forgive me?” are all a victim needs to hear. In the event those words don’t achieve the desired response, you can follow through with your feet of resistance, the five words that serve as the ultimate trump card: “It will never happen again.” To give it a little more punch, you could add “I swear” or “I promise” to that loaded little sentence. In the days ahead, I could buy you flowers, take you out to dinner, or buy you a nice gift to top it all off.
I wish I could say that we enablers can easily see all of that. But, for many of us, at least the first time these attention grabbers come up, that’s all it takes to soothe our broken hearts. It’s like the heavens have opened up, we can hear the angels sing, and everything in us is ready and willing to put our pain behind us and forgive and forget so we can live happily ever after. We believe that, from that moment on, our lives will be different. We are overwhelmed by the compassionate longing of a lover’s heart. He finally he gets it. He is really sorry. He really loves me. Everything will be fine. (Cue violins.)
Maybe it’s all true. If the pieces of your relationship fall beautifully into place and healing begins right then and there, praise God! You are among the lucky ones. The rest of us won’t be as hurt.
So how will you know if what your abuser says or does reflects genuine regret or is just another form of clever manipulation?
Truly, when the full weight of our offenses is suddenly awakened in our hearts, it is an overwhelming and sobering reality, and we are eager and willing to validate the depth of our repentance and do whatever we can to make adequate restitution. Genuine and painful repentance will reveal itself in a variety of ways that usually reflect a conscious acceptance of responsibility along with generous measures of humility, deference, patience, and respect.
True repentance accepts responsibility. There is no attempt to blame others, and that includes your victim(s). The truly repentant heart will humbly accept any punishment as evidence of sincere intent, even to the point of losing the relationship if that is what the offended person needs or wants. A truly repentant person will willingly allow the time, distance, and space necessary to regain lost trust. Therefore, if your abuser soon complains that you are not reaching out halfway or making the same effort, something is not right.
A repentant person will give in to the emotional and logistical needs of the offended. There are no expectations, no demands, no pressure. No unexpected visitors, no harassing phone calls, and no guilt-ridden emails. A repentant person hopes for reconciliation but recognizes that he has no right to demand it. He doesn’t rattle off a list of adaptations he’s made or expect praise for his efforts. If you are pushing your limits or trying to break them down, you are lessening the magnitude of the problem and the pain you have inflicted and you are not truly sorry.
A repentant person will be patient. There is no calendar. There are no time lines. The offender does not complain that the process is unreasonable or taking too long. A repentant person recognizes that lost trust must be re-earned over time. If your abuser is pressuring you to make a list of things he must do to get you back or to commit to a date to get back together, he is sending the message that it is your level of discomfort that matters to him. He wants to check off the list so he can corner you with it. Accepting your abuser’s assumptions or rushing back into your relationship out of convenience or as a result of undue pressure is never a good idea, and you could end up where you started.
A repentant person will be respectful. No verbal darts are thrown, no blame or accusations are placed on the offended. Conversations are delicate and the only agenda is to do the necessary business. Respect does not incorporate accusations, manipulation, sarcasm, or mind games.
You can’t trust favors. A falsely remorseful abuser may go out of his way to make your life easier, and then rub your nose in the fact that he has gone to such lengths for you. Suddenly, you owe him.
An abuser will count on our nature, our desire for a relationship, and our enabling history to drive us back to insanity. He will try to convince his victim that his expectations are extreme and that everything will be fine once they meet. That’s the end game for him. But that’s not what repentance looks like. That’s just more of the same.
With this understanding in mind, it is quite easy to assess whether or not someone is truly sorry. As long as you hold your ground, the truth will be revealed over time, as you’ll either see credible evidence of sincere change or see the abuser’s facade begin to crumble and crumble. Then you will know if what you are seeing is genuine repentance or not.