Writing a letter to the other woman: Should you?

I often hear from women who feel they just need to contact the woman who cheated on her husband. Some of these wives want to confront the other woman face to face. They want to try to read her eyes and assess her veracity. And they feel like there’s no other way to do it except by looking directly into her eyes. Others suspect that a face-to-face meeting would be too difficult or would not really solve anything. So, they decide that perhaps writing the other woman a letter or sending her an email might be a viable or preferable option.

And most of the time, I agree that avoiding a face-to-face confrontation is the way to go. Of all the people who contact me on this subject, I can only think of a few cases where a face-to-face meeting with the other woman turned out to be a positive or good thing. You often go in thinking that speaking your mind or standing up to her will give you closure when in fact, many times, it does the exact opposite. She often leaves you with more questions because she doesn’t give you straight answers or she gives you answers that are meant to hurt you or make you feel and look better.

Things to think about when you are considering writing a letter to the other woman: While I think avoiding a personal meeting might be a good idea, you can fall into the same traps with a letter if you’re not careful. I absolutely understand wanting to release your feelings. And I encourage you to do it. In fact, I encourage you to write a letter detailing every feeling, question, and frustration you have for her. But I don’t always recommend that you send him a mail, an email or give him the letter. Because sometimes just releasing your feelings will be enough to give you some relief and help you start moving on.

If you really must send the letter or send the email, think about what you want to accomplish with it. Do you just want to let him know how you feel? Do you expect her to provide you with some answers? Or is she trying to corroborate her husband’s story? All of these considerations help dictate the tone and content of the letter.

Also, you should think about what kind of response you expect from the other woman. If you expect her to like you and agree to give you answers, then you want to control your tone. If you expect her to repent and apologize, then the letter should not be too accusatory so that she is inclined to defend herself and not apologize or apologize.

Another thing to think about is that once you approach her or contact her, you are almost giving her the green light to approach you or come into your life. And most of the time, I really don’t think this is the best idea. After all, the real point of putting an affair behind you is to leave this woman and the relationship far behind. So be careful not to invite her back in or offer her an open invitation to stay. Because very often, she will take any excuse to make you look like the bad guy or to contact your husband to tell him or show him the letter from her.

I understand the need for answers, but I also know that often the best place to get those answers is from your husband, especially since he often has no incentive to tell you the truth. So if you’re going to open the door by sending him a letter, make sure you’re prepared for what that might bring.

I cannot and will not tell you that you should not send the letter if you really feel in your heart of hearts that it is something you should do. But I also feel I must tell you that it often won’t provide you with the answers and closure you expect and could create even bigger problems that you’ve left written proof of. That’s why I think it’s a great idea to write a letter, as long as you give it a few days before sending it and then read it again and re-evaluate. Think about what you really hope to achieve and ask yourself if the content and tone of the letter are in line with your wishes.