When the invitation never comes – My son is not invited
My daughter Patricia is starting her first experiences with elementary school and her first experiences in the school of hard knocks. When she was a child, her birthdays were pretty low-key. A party usually consisted of a group of kids going to a friend’s house, running around their yard, eating cake, and singing happy birthday. Today, I’m learning that this whole “birthday party scandal” exists. Birthdays have become over-commercialized and parents are forced to break the bank with themed parties at expensive venues. And of course, when her son sees everyone else having a party, he wants one too.
When my daughter was in preschool and kindergarten, it was nothing to have the whole class, or at least all the girls or all the boys, invited. But as the kids progress through elementary school, the parties start to wind down and the kids have to make decisions about who to invite and who not to.
I guess it had to happen: Patricia had her first experience being the outsider. She was not invited to a party of someone she considered a good friend. This girl is in her class, she lives down the street, she often plays at our house, and my husband and I have socialized with her parents. Apparently, they didn’t train her very well to keep her party a secret. She proceeds to tell my daughter that she is going to the movies for her birthday and that she can only invite four friends. My daughter was not one of them. My daughter told me and I didn’t believe her. I thought there was some mistake. Surely this girl whom we considered a good friend would not leave her out on purpose. Her mother wouldn’t allow that, would she? Wrong.
The invitation never came.
I racked my brains:
Could it be that the children do not get along?
No, they get along very well, when they play, there are no fights and everything is smiles and laughter.
It’s me?
I doubt it, after all, I seem to be good enough to take care of their children and walk them to the bus stop when they need me.
My daughter was upset for a few days but got over it quickly, it’s not her nature to stay upset, she has a happy disposition. But I? Uhhh… As much as I’d like to consider myself a step above all this petty and trivial kid stuff, I’m a little angry and disappointed. Okay, it’s just a birthday party, it’s just a movie, it’s not a big deal. My daughter doesn’t even like to sit and watch movies (and what a bad idea for a party anyway) So why do I care?
Well… I guess it’s my problem – maybe it’s some of my old insecurities at play here. Being excluded hurts, no matter how old you are. They not only snubbed my daughter, they snubbed me. This neighbor of mine didn’t think enough of any of us to be in one of the top four spots (and still, she could have made room for one more). She would never exclude her daughter. I know not every kid can have a great party every year, but excluding someone who is closer than some of the other guests is hard to swallow.
So what needs to be done?
Should I ask why she wasn’t invited?
No. It’s your party, you can invite whoever you want. A “pity” invitation would be humiliating, even if I offered to pay for your trip.
Should I play dumb and make an offhand comment to them at the bus stop: “Hey, isn’t it your birthday this month? Are you doing something special??”
No, that just puts the kid in a bind. Also, I’m not one to make people squirm, even if they deserve it.
Should I cut ties with these people I thought were our friends?
No, that will only cause more bad feelings and may hurt my daughter in the end. The children enjoy playing with each other. Why take that away from them when it really was the parents’ fault for planning a party that only a few kids can attend?
So what did I do? Well, basically nothing. I am not a confrontational person (I have never seen a “confrontation” have a happy ending). However, it turns out that this girl and my daughter asked to have a play date shortly before the party. I happily agreed and arranged for her to come to our house and they laughed and laughed the whole time.
In the end, we never got the invite, but perhaps in a very innocent way, by having this most recent playdate, we made the point with the mother who ultimately makes all the decisions for her son. Now I understand that we may have had different perceptions and expectations of our friendship. Perhaps the neighbors have a slightly lower status on the social scale. To them, we were casual acquaintances, not good friends. Perhaps our “friendship” is based more on geography than anything else.
Since all of this happened in December, I told my daughter she could invite some friends over to decorate cookies and gingerbread for the holidays. I told her to invite some kids that she hadn’t had before. I guess this taught me that children and adults need to have a wide social circle. I’m not trying to exclude our neighbor on purpose, I’m just trying to encourage my daughter to make new friends so that these unavoidable situations are a little less important.
My advice on birthday parties? If you’re organizing the party, don’t put your child in a position of choosing some and excluding others. Plan a party at your house, have some games, let them dance to some music, and keep it simple. These elaborate parties at expensive venues only stress parents out, cost a lot of money, and can force kids to make hurtful, exclusionary decisions about who to invite. If you’re the one not invited, plan a fun activity on or around the day of the party. Maybe invite a friend or two and never talk about it again.
So I’m going to invite this neighbor to our next party? your bet Two wrongs don’t make a right.
When the invitation never comes
my son is not invited