What about children raised by mothers with borderline personality disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a disorder with criteria found in DSM-IV and is characterized by avoidance of abandonment, identity disturbance, chronic emptiness, affective instability, self-injurious behaviors along with common problems such as thinking extreme black and white. and emotional dysregulation. More women than men are commonly diagnosed with BPD, somewhere in the ratios of 2:1 to 9:1 depending on sources. The number of women in treatment programs across the country disproportionately outnumber men, indicating that women of all ages, mothers and daughters, are more likely to receive treatment than boys and men.

Much has been written about girls and women with borderline personality disorder. But little research exists on how children experience their mothers who suffer with BPD criteria, such as intense emotional dysregulation, unstable relationship patterns, fears of abandonment, or identity disturbance. Are children affected in ways that most professionals and educators do not recognize? Understanding the issues that can stem from the mother-son dynamics with BPD could help families and prevent young male professionals from being misunderstood or mislabeled as aggressive, defiant, or antisocial, so that these boys are not being marginalized, but instead they are given the necessary amount. clinical treatment that girls and women usually receive.

This is not to say that all children of a BPD mother have a negative experience. Children can experience “good enough mother” and mature through the developmental stages with little disturbance. However, when the relationship goes wrong, children can suffer serious psychological and emotional problems that impair the child’s development and create lifelong identity problems well into adulthood.

Emotional dysregulation, a common problem among BPD sufferers, is like riding a roller coaster. If a child never knows what to expect from one moment to the next, a mother’s roller coaster emotions can trigger real turmoil and affect her self-esteem when he can’t seem to please her. The emotional invalidation that results from this dynamic can create in a child a constant need to seek validation. Or he may detach himself from her emotions and stuff them, because the emotions are perceived as unacceptable.

Similarly, unstable relationship patterns with the mother that oscillate between polarities of available versus unavailable maternal affection and distant versus intense emotional entanglement, along with bouts of anger and abandonment anxiety can create a world of instability, mistrust, and confusion about a child’s relationship with his mother. He may develop mistrust of other people as he matures into adulthood.

Black and white thinking, a common problem that is often based on irrational fears, can create rigid rules and expectations for a young child to navigate, which can foster a need to be perfect in order to please their mother. Perfectionism comes with high emotional costs, such as extremes in thinking, anxiety, and irrational thought patterns that take over life and cause problems in interpersonal relationships. Identity confusion, another criterion, causes problems in several areas of male identity development related to self-confidence, self-image, sexual identity, career choices, and long-term goals. A complicated mother-son relationship can damage a child’s sense of independence and autonomy. He may find himself plagued by guilt as he wishes to achieve independence and yet he fears that he is abandoning her.

Finally, the self-injurious and parasuicidal behaviors of a BPD mother can be extremely traumatic and may even contribute to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder, especially if her mother’s threats are repeated or if her suicide is successful. Subsequent trauma can skew a child’s overall sense of security, because suicidal gestures can be perceived as abandonment and cause the child to fear loss.

This dynamic between a BPD mother and her child has serious implications for a child’s emotional life well into adulthood. Families and educators can help these young people to recover and mature emotionally. Healthier emotional lives can be achieved through stable relationships and a validating environment. But sometimes a young person may need more intensive help by working with a psychotherapist to address deeper issues related to poor self-image or lack of confidence. It is important to realize that early therapeutic interventions can make a positive difference in helping a young person develop a healthy self-image with lifelong implications for better life and relationships.