Tips on how to successfully date your spouse during a trial separation

I often hear of people who are separated and trying to save their marriages. A recurring theme that often comes up is dating your spouse while you are apart. Many people intuitively know that this can be an important part of the process. After all, if you can get back to dating your spouse regularly and this is going well, that’s part of rebuilding your marriage and showing your spouse that the two of you can have fun, connect again, and still have a spark in which you can. and they want. rebuild.

However, many couples are not quite sure how to approach this. I’m often asked for ideas on how to better handle dating while you’re technically on a trial separation. I recently heard from a wife who asked the questions that most people want to know. She said, in part, “Are there any guidelines about dating my husband while we’re apart? Are you supposed to plan dates or just let them happen? Can I ask him out or do I have to wait until he asks? Is there a topic that is off limits? I know that when I am with my husband I will want to ask him if he has made a decision or if he has any opinion about the chances of us getting back together. Good idea. Have sex on these dates. Or should I keep things strictly platonic to lure him back? What’s the best way for me to handle this? “

I’ll try to cover these concerns and offer some tips for successfully dating your spouse during a trial separation in the following article.

If you can, agree on the details of the appointments before the separation actually takes place: The optimal way to approach this is to agree with your spouse on how it will develop before one of you leaves home. Many couples leave this open and when they do, my experience is that things are less likely to go well.

If possible, it is a good idea to define in advance how often you will meet. If you both have this agreement, you are both less likely to see other people or do things during the separation that could be detrimental to your marriage. It also gives you a common goal and something to look forward to.

However, sometimes it is not possible to set things up in advance because one of the spouses wants to “wait and see” or is reluctant to commit to regular dates. In this case, it is better not to pressure and take advantage of the time you spend together. If you have the feeling that your spouse will be reluctant to commit to something beforehand, then it is best not to push for this and make things seem spontaneous (even if you planned them all the time). It’s okay to ask your spouse out. we have a date. I don’t think you always have to wait to be asked. But make sure you sound casual and let them ask next time.

Don’t use dating your spouse as a marriage counseling session: This is a very common and also very damaging mistake. Many people feel that they have to take their marriage temperature during these dates or use them to “solve” their problems. In my opinion and experience, this is really a potentially costly mistake. The general idea for these dates is to re-bond with your spouse and show both of you that you can have a good time, have fun together, feel the spark again, and reconnect.

It makes this less likely if you insist on diving into your problems when the marriage is already struggling. While I recognize that you will eventually need to address any issues, the time to do so is not during a date that should really be fun. Many people don’t even realize they are doing this until they look back at the date and wonder what went wrong.

Try to find new and exciting activities that you haven’t experienced together before. Although it’s tempting to revisit the past, focus on the future as much as you can: The vast majority of people who contact me on this topic also tell me that their dating destinations are often the old devices or based on attempts to evoke nostalgic memories with their spouse. They will bring their spouse to their first date location or continue their Friday night traditions.

This is fine from time to time. But I would suggest that you don’t always trust what you did in the past. You want to create a feeling of new adventures and fun. You want to laugh and feel very alive during this experience. Try things that you haven’t done together before and keep things very joyous.

I know it is easy to turn to the familiar, especially when you may already be struggling emotionally during the breakup, but it is very important that the dates go well so that you both want more. So the last thing you want to do is find yourself on the other side of the same table where you’ve always sat down to have the same conversations you’ve always had. Shake things up a bit. I think you will be happy with the results.

What about sex during separation ?: People ask me a lot about this. Wives, in particular, often ask if it is a good idea to limit sex when they are apart. The thought process behind this is that if she has sex with her husband when he is not living with her, what is her incentive to go home?

I understand (and generally agree a bit) with this thought, but I also know that it is easier said than done. And, many people see things quite differently and think that if they can have good, regular sex with their spouse during the separation, this will improve their relationship, strengthen their bond, and make their spouse less likely to cheat or date. others. as long as they don’t live in the same house.

Both approaches have points that I really can’t argue with. I really think it depends on the couple and where they are in the separation process. I would warn you not to use sex as the main way to win back your spouse. I must also tell you that sometimes having sex while apart can create some conflicts and misunderstandings as this can mean different things to both spouses at the time. As a result, hurt feelings and resentment can arise.

I would suggest that if you are going to have sex while you are apart, make sure you do it because you want to express and share your feelings at the time, and not as a way to lure your spouse back or to play games. emotional games that can be counterproductive.