Three Tips for Forgiveness: A Key Factor in Anger Management
Elizabeth, 32, wept during an anger management class as she recounted how a year ago her 19-month-old daughter suffered permanent brain damage as a result of a medical error at the hospital where she was born.
Elizabeth had a legitimate grievance toward the hospital and medical staff, and she felt she could never forgive them for
what she saw as his incompetence. She clearly wasn’t ready to forgive yet. She felt that she needed her latent anger to
encourage her to do what she felt she needed to do legally and otherwise to deal with this horrible situation.
However, at some point in the future, when she is ready, Elizabeth might decide to find a way to forgive. In order to do this, she will have to take the step of separating two things in her mind: (1) blaming the hospital for what they did and (2) blaming them for her resulting feelings about the situation.
reasons to forgive
Elizabeth can’t change what was done to her daughter, but she can change the way she lives the rest of her life. If she continues to have an intense grievance, she is giving what happened in the past the power to determine her present emotional well-being. Until she forgives, Elizabeth will be victimized again and again, trapped in an emotional prison.
Should you forgive?
The answer to this question always comes down to personal choices and decisions. Some people in our anger management classes feel that certain things cannot and should not be forgiven; others feel that ultimately all can be forgiven.
As an example of what is possible, the Stanford Forgiveness Project staff successfully worked with Protestants and
Catholic families in Northern Ireland whose children had been murdered among themselves. Using the techniques taught by the Stanford group, these grieving parents were able to forgive and move on with their lives.
On the other hand, Dr. Abrams-Spring, author of the classic “After the Affair,” warns that forgiving someone quickly and easily
unfaithful partner indicates low self-esteem. In his view, forgiveness must be earned by the offending party, but given
automatically.
reasons to forgive
Studies have shown that forgiveness has measurable benefits:
– Forgiveness is good for health. Studies show that people who forgive report fewer health problems while people who blame
others, due to their disorders, have a higher incidence of diseases such as cardiovascular diseases and cancers.
– Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Scientific research shows that forgiveness often improves peace of mind. HAS
A 1996 study showed that the more people forgave those who hurt them, the less angry they were.
– Two studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their ex-spouse were more emotionally healthy than those who
unforgiving thing. The forgivers had a higher sense of well-being and lower anxiety and depression.
forgiveness tips
It’s common for angry people to think, “I want to forgive and I know I should, but I don’t know how.” Here are some starting points:
Tip 1: Remember, forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience to complete. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you, not for anyone else.
Tip 2: Realize that forgiving does not mean that you are condoning the offender’s actions or what they did to you. It means that you will blame less and find a different way of thinking about what happened to you.
Tip 3: Refocus on the positives in your life. A life well lived is the best revenge. People who find a way to see the love, beauty, and goodness around them are better able to forgive and move on from their wrongs.