The ugly truth about communication between men and women

Since the movie ‘The Ugly Truth About Men and Women’ came out, some of the gender-specific generalizations have been revised. Like it or not, there are some specific strengths and weaknesses that couples have to deal with. The question isn’t whether you like them or not, it’s how you treat them in your relationship.

Gender differences in communication

Maltz and Borker first proposed in their theory of the two cultures that the differences in the conversational style of men and women are due to the fact that they are part of different subcultures. Let’s take a look at some common gender differences:

Interpretation of minimal positive responses

Minimal positive responses (=encouraging) are nods and comments like ‘mm hm’, ‘OK’, ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ and are part of most conversational interactions. Although both genders use them, research has found that men ascribe different meanings to them than women. For women these cheerleaders mean: I’m listening, please continue. Men attribute a stronger meaning: I agree with you or I follow your argument so far.

Obviously, this can lead to serious misunderstanding and frustration, as women indicate that they listen more often than men would indicate that they agree.

Collaborative vs. Competitive

Conversational style is learned from growing up peers, who during the formative years (ages five to fifteen) are mostly of the same sex. Women’s conversation style is usually collaborative and interactive in nature, while men’s conversation style is more competitive and monologue-based.

Women seem to use the pronouns ‘we’ and ‘we’ more, which explicitly acknowledge the existence of the other person, while men more often speak of themselves using the pronoun ‘I’.

conversational flow

Given the above point, it is not surprising that women are more willing to keep the conversation flowing. They usually ask more questions than men, which can turn a conversation into a question-and-answer interview, where the man feels questioned.

Men are more likely to interrupt, challenge or argue their partner’s points, which can lead to a ‘silent protest’ in women’s response.

recommendations

So when men and women converse, it becomes obvious how to explain the most common complaints in the interaction between men and women:

1. Men think that women always agree with them and then conclude that it is impossible to know what a woman really thinks.

2. Women get annoyed with men who never seem to listen to them, who interrupt or challenge them.

3. Men want to offer solutions and get on with things, while women want to discuss something collaboratively and feel heard, before seeking a solution.

Remember: Expect differences between men and women in any conversation. If you expect your partner to be just like you, you are fooling yourself and expecting the impossible.