The three most important questions you can ask yourself during grief

The death of a loved one always changes us. We have no choice in the matter. Why? Because the interaction with our loved one has gone with the past; cannot be retrieved. When our interactional self dies, it changes our identity and who we identify with. Life is new and different without the presence of the deceased.

The result of the death of our loved one means that we have to develop new routines, sometimes change roles or develop new skills, and restructure our lives knowing that our loved one is no longer physically present. A very effective method to do all this is to ask ourselves three key questions.

These questions were developed by a colleague and friend, the late Dr. Catherine Sanders. She was a noted complaint therapist and continues to help thousands through other counselors who have used them. She introduced them to every support group she runs. They provide great direction and can be used as assessment tools throughout the days and months of adjusting to our loved one’s absence.

1. What do you want to take from your old life to your new life? Over the years, these are some of the things other mourners have shared with me that they wanted to take with them into their new lives. The deceased loved the humor, sweetness, strength or commitment of the loved one. My patience, my faith, my precious memories, my culinary skills, my artistic ability. I want to keep my stepchildren close. Positive attitude. Keep traveling. The love I’ve had in this life. Be a good listener.

Review your strengths, relationships, and memories. Choose what you want to continue with and write it next to the question. And work on them.

2. What do you want to leave behind? This is what other mourners have said they wanted to leave behind. Anger, old routines, regrets or guilt, memories of alcoholism, not putting myself first, rushing, resentment, being a must of worry, sadness, being a fifth wheel, my impatience, being critical, anguish and pain, and negative memories of the illness .

With this question, take the time to review your life and the things you would like to work on changing and list them in order of priority.

3. What do you want to add to your new life? This is a very critical question as it speaks to where you will invest your energy at work and the purposes that give life meaning. We all need a dream. Others have shared the following with me regarding what they wanted to add. Skills, abilities, courage, humor, more rest, memories to nurture, new traditions, more exercise, modeling my heroes, forgiveness, new friends, new interests, independence, more understanding of others, faith and hope, and taking better care of myself. .

Here are some additional guidelines to get the most out of this self-analysis. First, write the three questions on a piece of paper. Sit in a quiet place and answer the questions. Save the sheet and come back the next day to reread what you wrote. Choose the number one element of each of the questions, the one that you consider most important.

And here is the most critical factor. Decide on the specific behaviors you are going to implement to accomplish what you said you were going to do. For example, how will you develop a certain skill or a positive attitude? How are you going to leave behind what you said you were going to leave behind. And what specific actions will you take to start adding to your new life. Write down the behaviors and start practicing them. You must take planned action.

As the days and months go by, periodically review your list. Add anything you’ve discovered that needs to be addressed. Go back through your list to start with a new item once you’ve taken care of your first priority. You can get over your loss and reinvest in life.
Use these three questions as your initial guides.