sex and your ex
Most of us will have at least one ex. We may even have to see each other from time to time, perhaps for children, work, or a shared social circle. Sometimes it can be painful, uncomfortable, or embarrassing, especially at first. But hopefully we’ll gradually heal and come to terms with what happened, maybe even becoming a bit cynical or worldly as a result.
But what happens when, once all the acrimony has worn off, and we feel relaxed and more comfortable in their company, perhaps not having been sexually active for a while, we begin to look at them in a more favorable light and think, ‘why not?’
How tempting it can be after a difficult breakup, followed by a long period of alone time healing your wounds, feeling less and less attractive that you meet to talk about “something important” only to find yourself vaguely attracted to him or her. A glass or two of wine later and they’re in bed together.
After all, we know them very well and they know us. We are familiar with each other’s likes and dislikes, we don’t need to make an effort, we are both consenting adults with needs, wants, and eager for a little sexual attention. There is no confusion; It’s simple, but is it?
If you haven’t been intimate in a while, you may be missing out on closeness and sex, but is sex with your ex just a temporary fix that prevents you from making the effort to move on? While that may be fine as a convenient and ‘safe’ fix, what appears to be a good solution on paper may also beg the question, at what point do you start moving forward?
When they first broke up, they no doubt started making plans, coming up with big ideas that inspired them in their new single life. You were excited to book that training course, find a new job, become self-employed, tone up, refresh your image and you couldn’t wait to get started. But ending up in your ex’s arms, even occasionally, can put those plans on hold.
Revisiting familiar territory can dampen our enthusiasm, causing our motivation to stall for a while. It can become too much effort when there is an exciting distraction in our lives, something that puts a smile on our faces!
Not long ago we shared feelings, emotions and dreams. We loved each other, we built a home, maybe a united family. Having sex with our ex can gradually awaken those feelings and trigger the feelings involved, resulting in conversations starting, ‘do you remember when’ and ‘what time’ – all cozy moments that stir deeper emotions.
Problems arise if we gradually start expecting more from the arrangement. It is important to remember that this is not a relationship but rather a convenience for both of you. Yet over time we may find ourselves anxiously awaiting text messages, upset if they don’t arrive, wondering when the next connection will be, dreaming about where our future may lead.
But our ex may well feel very differently about us now. Often things are said or done before a divorce, exchanges of pain and anger that cannot be forgotten. Those feelings that we once described as love may have softened, at best, into a comfortable mutual acceptance due to our history together.
Sex and our ex is not necessarily about making love or rekindling the relationship, but rather about releasing stress and pent up emotions in a familiar environment. We know each other, we feel comfortable with each other’s bodies, we are aware of each other’s likes, dislikes and idiosyncrasies. It’s easy and familiar.
It may even have been that sex was a key part of the relationship, something that continually brought us back together, even in the darkest days of divorce.
So if you find yourself going down that familiar path, perhaps first protect yourself by setting some personal parameters.
– Identify why your relationship failed and remind yourself of those reasons and the personal cost involved. Address any issues and find ways to improve how you feel about yourself, perhaps through education and work toward qualifications, becoming more financially independent, toning up and updating your image, or through therapy, where you resolve any behavioral issues, thereby increasing your confidence and self esteem.
– Accept invitations and little by little start to feel better about yourself as you expand your social circle. Build your independence away from home. Find time for the things that interest you; maybe sports, a night class, places where you meet people with similar interests as you. There may be limited options for meeting in person at this time, so get online and enjoy connecting and improving your conversational and social skills.
– Set reasonable goals to move forward at your own pace. Finding a new home, job, circle of friends, or circle of support can take time and cause stress initially, but take the pressure off yourself, accept help, and be careful about seeking solace, solace, or sex from your ex out of loneliness or habit. .
So if you find yourself enjoying each other’s company and end up in bed, it’s genuine, no-fuss fun for both of you. But also remember that your intentions at first can change and result in serious complications later!