My spouse expresses feelings of emptiness after the affair

I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to figure out their spouse’s comments and feelings after they cheated on them or had an affair. At times it almost seems as if she is speaking in riddles. Common comments that cause confusion and doubt are things like “I feel empty and lost and I don’t know why I acted that way and I don’t know what I want.” As if dealing with the issue wasn’t difficult enough, the faithful spouse now has to figure out what he means by these words and what this could mean for the marriage.

You might hear a wife say, “My husband admitted to having an affair. Apparently, he broke up with the other woman and then came straight home to make his confession. He says he told me because he couldn’t lie to me.” and he feels that if we’re going to save our marriage, then he needs to own up to what he did and be honest. I guess this is a promising start. But my husband has been saying something repetitively that annoys me. Lately, he has been saying over and over again that he feels ‘so empty’. I don’t know if this is a ploy to make me feel sorry for him or if he’s being sincere. What the hell does he mean when he says he feels empty? I feel empty too, but I’m not the one. who cheated.”

This phrase is actually very common. Many cheating spouses use this phrase and it can refer to their feelings before or after the affair. I have my own opinion about what they might mean by this. And I base this on the feedback I get and my own experience. Of course, it’s just my opinion. The best person to ask about her feelings is the husband himself, but he can’t always articulate her feelings well when he isn’t sure how he feels.

He is very disappointed in himself: This is a logical conclusion. He feels empty because now he has to take an inventory of his life and realizes exactly how reckless he has been and the damage he has caused. This can make you feel a bit down and empty.

It means that you were struggling before the affair and that this could have contributed to the infidelity: I firmly believe that there are times in a man’s life when he is much more likely to cheat. It is extremely common to see well-adjusted, happily married men cheat when faced with a major struggle in life. Some examples are job loss or career disappointment, illness, the loss of someone close to them (like a parent), and battling anxiety or depression or the dreaded midlife crisis. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I think they are tempted to deal or ease their struggles by having an affair.

So when a man tells you that he feels empty, he is simply mirroring those struggles. Honestly, he may not have even connected the dots and realized that his infidelity had something to do with his personal struggles, and the only way he knows of to articulate this is with a simple sentence like this. .

It means that you are emotionally blank because of this whole process: Everyone knows that the faithful spouse can struggle emotionally after the affair. It is a very painful process where you have to deal with shock, disappointment and pain. However, few people realize that the cheating spouse can go through these same struggles. They can feel all the same negative emotions, and in a sense, it’s even worse for them because they know that they are the ones who have caused this kind of pain.

As a result, it is very common for them to shut down emotionally. Think of it this way. Men in this situation have been having an affair because they had trouble dealing with their negative emotions. So it makes sense for you to shut down and feel emotionally closed off as the negative fallout from all of this comes to a head. If he was struggling before, imagine how he feels now when he doesn’t just have to face the emotions that contributed to the infidelity in the first place combined with having to look at your wounded face now. Frankly, this would make anyone feel empty. It’s quite understandable, really.

Your feeling of emptiness shouldn’t excuse what you did, but it is a sign that healing is important: It is by no means my intention to make excuses for cheating on spouses. Having dealt with this situation myself, I honestly don’t think there is any valid excuse for cheating. Even if you feel empty beyond description, that’s not an excuse for what you did. But it may be an indication that healing for him is just as vital as healing for you, especially if you want to save your marriage.