It’s cheaper to keep

I heard the expression “cheaper to keep” many years ago from my good friend Ken. Ken was the most eligible bachelor in town and many single women were attracted to him. He was very successful in his career, athletic and had a winning personality. I was amazed when Ken called me one day to tell me that he was settling down, getting married and moving to another state for his career. He was ecstatic about Ken’s newfound love and career opportunity. He got married and moved to another state. Several years later, I spoke to Ken and learned that he had a daughter, but he was not happily married. In the middle of our conversation, the last question was asked: “Are you thinking of getting a divorce?” His answer indirectly answered my question and I gathered that he had given much thought and finally financially calculated that it was simply easier and cheaper to stay married. In essence, it was cheaper to maintain. That was Ken’s response.

When I started writing this article, I looked up the phrase and found over 36,200,000 references. This saying was found among already written articles, song titles and was even the title of a movie. A stanza in one of the song lyrics read: “Well, it’s cheaper to keep her, than to let her go, I can’t seem to say goodbye to half of everything I have. Well, damned if I do, and damned if I don’t, Well, it’s cheaper to keep her than to let her go.” If this isn’t insulting and doesn’t offend women and wives everywhere, then we’ve settled for less than the best we can have in a marriage. However, I did not fully understand its meaning until I was faced with a divorce.

I made a conscious decision to stay in my marriage until our son turned eighteen and was on his way to college. I am a firm believer that a child needs both parents and it is the responsibility of the biological mother and father to make the relationship work, regardless. I desperately wanted a divorce, but had resorted to living separate lives in the same home. My decision was not financially driven, but for the sake of keeping the family unit together, I would have sacrificed my happiness. Finally and fortunately, I got divorced. However, recently, I spoke to Ken again and still married, he announced that he planned to file for divorce in two years. Ken explained that his son would graduate from high school and then go to college. Ken really endured the years in an unhappy and dissatisfied marriage. I was touched by his commitment, but I wondered what kind of life it must have been like, not only for Ken, but also for his wife. Unlike Ken, I had chosen the opposite, got divorced, and was living a full life.

Talking with my friend, I’ve learned that living in an unhappy marriage breathes a lot of negative marital indulgences. For one, infidelity increases exponentially with one or both spouses. Usually, it is the husbands who have extramarital affairs, however, more and more wives are also having extramarital affairs. Ken was my only barometer on the subject, the reason for this article and he admitted that he had been involved in various relationships outside of his marriage for several years. He boastfully declared that he would continue to enjoy relationships outside of his marriage. Actually, talking about his relationship with someone he was dating, I heard a different but ecstatic person on the other end of the phone. Ken explained that, for several years, he had been involved with someone else and he was happier than ever. I asked him if he knew if his wife was doing the same, how dare he ask that question, and Ken said that he hoped his wife would be happy with someone else. Confused and stunned, he couldn’t judge the lifestyle he chose from him.

Another negative spousal indulgence faced in unhappy marriages is a lack of physical and emotional contact between spouses. Ken was no longer attracted to his wife and that didn’t include any physical contact. He would ask me how his wife was dealing with the lack of affection and attention that she was receiving. I was heartbroken and disappointed about marriages. How can two people stay in the same house, without love and without physical contact? As women, we normally crave affection and attention from our partner. When spousal care is not received, we suffer emotionally and some may also seek care outside of marriage. Ken was living a double life, he was juggling both relationships and he seemed happy beyond belief. I don’t approve of what Ken is doing, I actually condemn it because it threatens marriages and families. I immediately thought of how the children were affected and if they see the loveless lifestyle that exists between their parents and the inability to witness happy marriages. If so, this also contributes to one of the negative influences of unhappy marriages.

Our children learn a lot about life and relationships from observation. What children see and hear at home has a great influence on their lives, sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way. When two parents show a lack of affection for each other, their actions can and sometimes do have a negative effect on the children. Her daughter asked Ken about her relationship with her mother. Her daughter was concerned because she never saw her parents holding hands, hugging or kissing. Ken and his wife rarely went to functions together, and his daughter resented their lack of affection. She asked him: “Do you love mom?” Ken was amazed at how his daughter had viewed his relationship with his wife negatively. Ken admitted that he never thought his lifestyle and his decision to remain in a loveless marriage would affect his children.

Husbands and wives regularly make numerous decisions about what a marriage should look like. Staying in a loveless marriage seems to be a popular decision that couples are making and enduring. However, such a decision and lifestyle negatively impacts everyone involved. It may be cheaper to stay with her, but what price do you pay to stay in a loveless and unhappy marriage?