Beware – Anger kills marriage
Many couples marry under the mistaken belief that it is a “blissful state of life” that will last forever. There is no greater myth than this. Living ‘happily ever after’ only happens in fairy tales. Spouses bring to their marital union not only love and understanding, but also their likes, dislikes, and dislikes. Therefore, disagreements are inevitable. They must be resolved quickly as anger can be toxic to a marriage. Anger is the main enemy of marital happiness. However, if managed effectively, it can strengthen the marriage bond.
Trigger points that can make a person angry.
• Lack of understanding of the basic differences between men and women. They both have different temperaments. The problem begins when one cannot appreciate or recognize the differences and tries to change the other person. The woman must learn that the man responds differently to situations and must appreciate his calm stability in a crisis. The man must be aware of the woman’s emotional investment in home and family and not criticize the intensity of her emotions. A man’s competitive drive often outweighs a woman’s. He gets the sense of worth from him by being successful in his profession. He would like his wife to understand that she needs to recover from the stress of work before he can give her full attention.
• The man can be too controlling and selfish. He can be a bully or be sexually insatiable. He can incapacitate her with her ‘mother’s love’. He idolizes her but also isolates her. That person is called a ‘pumpkin eater’. He is blind to her potentialities and refuses to recognize her as a capable and competent person.
• The woman may be nagging or complaining or craving all the attention all the time. She feels that her husband does not understand her needs and criticizes her housework and kitchen duties. He shows no appreciation for all the work she does.
• Discussions about parenting. There may be differences in the application of discipline.
• Critical and demanding in-laws.
• Displaced anger. For example, the boss is angry with his secretary. She takes it out on her subordinate. He takes out his frustration on his wife. The wife scolds her son and the boy mistreats his dog with a kick. This is known as Displaced Anger Syndrome.
Different manifestations of anger.
1. Silence: Anger simmers within the mind but without any overt expression. Unaddressed problems become cumulative and express themselves as physical or psychological illnesses. A woman who believes it is unladylike to express anger cries, sulks, feigns illness, burns food, or becomes depressed. Sometimes anger is sublimated through physical exercise or through creative outlets like painting or music.
2. Confrontation: Exchanging angry words or insults that you might later regret. But by then, the damage is already done. 10% of angry husbands become abusive.
3. Confess that one is angry and the reasons for being angry. Letting the partner know the cause of the anger and discussing how this situation can be denied is half the battle. Anger can be used creatively to solve problems and bring about reconciliation.
How to handle anger in a marriage relationship.
• Insight: Acknowledge and expose the cause of your anger. Do you get angry at the slightest provocation? Have you misunderstood how your spouse joked? Is your anger justified? “The first and best victory is to conquer yourself,” says Plato.
• Communication: Express the reasons for your anger. Be specific and focus only on the incident that has made you angry. Don’t bring up old incidents. Don’t underestimate the problem, but listen patiently to what the other person has to say. Don’t get carried away with self-pity. Communication should not get caught in circles of blame. As Robert Schuller says: “Don’t fix the blame. Fix the problem.”
• Respect: Accept the other person’s perspective. “Respect is the appreciation of the other person’s separateness, of how unique he or she is. Respect is the act of love by which married couples honor what is unique and best in each other,” Anne Gotlieb says.
• Commitment to the marriage and to each other. “Most spouses aren’t acting out of malice toward each other. They’re taking care of their own immediate needs,” according to Michaleen Craddock. Resist the urge to talk about separation and divorce. Instead, she attacks the problem and seeks reconciliation. People in healthy marriages are kind and respectful to each other even when situations are difficult. Couples who know how to fight constructively will survive marital conflict. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman says, “There is no way to beat your spouse. You both win or you both lose.” That is why it is important to stay united and fight against the common enemy: anger.
• Humility: Love does not insist on getting away with it and winning all the time. If you are to blame, never hesitate to say you’re sorry. Avoid pointing fingers. Marriage can provide you with a convenient scapegoat. But it is better to swallow your pride and admit that you are wrong. Some people use colored stress cards to measure the level of their anger. These are cards that are chemically treated to be sensitive to heat and humidity, and measure a person’s stress level. The thumb is placed on the card for ten seconds. If the color is green or blue, the anger is in the temperate zone. If it is yellow, one is angry but still in control. Red denotes irrational anger and black is uncontrolled anger.
• Tolerance: Take into account the weaknesses and idiosyncrasies of others. Be flexible in your emotional roles. Learn to enjoy life with your spouse. Negotiate what is open to compromise. Neither of them will be able to satisfy all the needs and aspirations of the other. No marriage is perfect.
• Love: A successful marriage is falling in love with your spouse over and over again. It has to be a daily exercise. Love is a choice. Loving actions are always followed by loving feelings. Marriage means a lifelong devotion to the person you have married.
Judith S. Wallenstein in her book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts” says: “The sense of being part of a couple is what cements modern marriage. It is the strongest wall against the implacable threat of marriage.” our divorce culture. Focusing on the couple means continually adjusting to each other.”
The biblical admonition “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Give no place to the devil” is by far the best advice for managing anger. Make sunset your deadline to stop fighting and love again.