Decoding the romantic dream

All modern fairy tales end the same way: the beautiful princess marries the rich and handsome knight in shining armor who came to rescue her on his shining white horse. So they live happily ever after. Or at least this is what they want us to believe in both Disney movies and romantic comedies. But is it really true? Have you ever wondered why these happy love stories always end with struggling lovers reuniting, but never portray the remaining years of their relationship life together?

Well, maybe it’s because we would realize that this prince is no longer making the princess happy once the first few months of his romantic crush have passed. However, we all believe in this romantic fairy tale to some degree, and millions of women around the world wait day after day for their knight in shining armor to come and rescue them from their loneliness: “If only Mr. Perfect would come. , all my life I would. ” be much better. “Or” Once I get married, all my problems will be solved. “You may laugh at this, but the truth is that, consciously or unconsciously, many women (and men!) out there secretly wait for a partner or intimate relationship to save them in some way.

This is how we are connected. You could also call it conditioning. Girls are fed this fairy tale from their mothers and the media on a daily basis. Young people are told to be that handsome hero who will save that girl and always make her happy. It puts pressure on, doesn’t it? And it is even more devastating once we experience reality and see that what we have been taught to believe is a lie. Why? Because there is no one else who can make us happy for the rest of our lives. Believing this means not being prepared to realize that we are capable adults who are 100% responsible for your own happiness. It means that we still cling to the idea of ​​a caring mom or dad and then we project that fantasy onto our intimate partners.

I myself have been lost in this trap for many years. I was also raised by a family that conditioned me to believe that I would have to find a good man who would take care of me and who could make me really happy. It wasn’t until many years later, when I met the profound and wise tantra master Alex Vartman, that I realized that I was making romantic dreams and that there is actually another way. I am very grateful to him and his constant efforts to shatter people’s romantic dreams. Why? Because it prevents us from really seeing the other person for who they really are and going very deep with them in a conscious relationship.

As soon as we believe that another person can give us something that we do not yet have, we disempower ourselves by putting them on a pedestal. We project an unrealistic image to them that is very difficult to fulfill, and we give them a shit for not matching that image to their real-life personalities. In addition to that, we lose ourselves in them, which means that we leave our own center and heart, thus losing touch with our true self. How can we even meet another person, when there is no one “home” inside?

Alex Vartman explains that “the romantic dream is generally quite destructive and is the female equivalent of pornography. Both are superficial uses of potential amorous sexual energy wasted in a handkerchief over a porn movie or sitting around reading romance novels, watching Disney movies, or dreaming of someone you can’t have instead of dealing with your current reality. ” This current reality could be anything from staying in a boring, unsatisfying, or even destructive relationship or feeling frustrated and lonely, projecting your longing for love and intimacy onto a fantasy image of a man you know you can’t have.

Many people already fantasize on a first date about romantic trips to the Caribbean with that new person, or what many women go out after marriage and children. “Could this handsome stranger be the perfect father to my children?” Trust me ladies, men can feel this and as soon as they send out that kind of vibration, they will want nothing more than to run and hide as fast as they can. You are reducing your chances of seeing the boy again, especially of knowing him for what he really is. It would be a shame, right?

Once we can put aside that irrational idea that anyone outside of us can always make us happy or has the ability to fulfill us, we become free to start living. We let go of fear, pressure, and tension and allow ourselves to become whole. From that place of inner fulfillment, we can manifest a relationship that allows us to grow together, as independent and happy human beings. Enlightened teacher Byron Katie says, “When I let go of the thought that someone special has to fill me, I become free. Then everyone satisfies me.” Once we see the conditioning, we can break it. We reclaim our power and personal freedom by separating ourselves from the romantic dream and opening space for a conscious relationship that can serve our mutual growth where we do not wait for someone to satisfy us, but try to serve each other in a deeper and greater love. openness, using the relationship to bring out the best in ourselves and in the other.

Now what can you do once you find yourself romantically dreaming about someone? Whether you are in an existing relationship or single, romantic dreams with other people can always happen. They have to do with attraction, projection, and unfulfilled longings. Here are some helpful tips to help you get out of the romantic dream. Applying them will not only make you more free and independent, but it will also help you live a fuller, happier and more harmonious life.

1.) Confess. If you have a partner and you are making a romantic dream with another man or woman, idealizing them thinking that they are somehow better than your current partner, you have to be honest about it. Nobody likes living with someone who is not so present with them. Your partner will feel it and it will only create sadness and separation. Instead, try to make yourself vulnerable and confess to your loved one what is happening. In this way, you will deepen the intimacy between you and build trust. Let your partner listen with empathy, without judgment. Be open to each other and the romantic dream cannot survive in the light of day.

2.) Question it. Alone or with your partner, you can investigate the situation. A big question Alex always asks is “Do you think the other person can really serve you more than your current partner?” This triggers a reality check. Usually we cannot imagine living with that other person on a daily basis, and we remember all the good things we share in our current intimacy.

3.) Unsatisfied longings. Ask yourself what needs or wants are satisfied in you by daydreaming about this person. What would it give you to be with them? We often project unmet childhood needs onto others. Really owning our longings can be very empowering. We regain our independence once we realize that what we long for is already present within us. By allowing ourselves to stay with the longing, it will eventually be filled from within, effortlessly and easily. However, this requires commitment. Commitment to our own process and our own integrity. Staying with a feeling of emptiness or just being with a deep longing for love and connection can be very painful. Once we can allow it to be there, contain it within our hearts instead of indulging in addictions like shopping or chocolate to fill the hole, we become the phoenix rising from the ashes. We become what we yearn for the most.

4.) Let it go and be here now. This sounds obvious, but it is quite difficult to put into practice. As human nature prescribes, we want what makes us feel good. If someone makes us feel good, we tend to cling to them. They become addictive to our brain. This is how the mind works. The trick is to understand that they are not the ones who make us feel good. What we enjoy are the feelings they awaken within us. Enjoy these feelings while they last, but try not to hold onto them. Allow them to pass through you, arising and fading. Don’t build a story around that in your mind. Be present and open to any new experience that life wants to offer you in each new moment.

5.) Be devoted. You may be wondering, what do devotion and spirit have to do with romantic dreams? A lot, as I have learned from my own experience over the years. My partner and I live in an open / dynamic relationship, which sometimes allows for intimate encounters with others. Not because it’s ego gratification, but because we believe this can serve our mutual growth and benefit other beings, as well as the depth of our relationship itself. I have come to realize that the more I pray to serve others, the more interesting people I meet. Often these meetings are extremely deep and moving. So it can be easy for me to get into romantic dreams with that person and sometimes I fall into that trap for a couple of days. So I think it was they who created the deep experience, and I can put the person on a pedestal, starting to fantasize about them, which is very typical romantic dream behavior. So I need to remind myself that it was the level of trust, openness and dedication in the room that came from the devotion that created those deep and heartfelt meetings. The next time I meet that man, he may not be that good at all, and there is no energy between us. Instead of being disappointed, we can start to see the variable. It is not about them, it is the spirit or God that created this beautiful experience. Rather than cling to the man or the experience, it is wise to thank the universe for these blessings and then let it go, praying that it will be used again as an instrument. Understanding this variable is vital, because when you do, you know that you can channel that same level of love, openness, and connection into your intimate relationship. With these factors made conscious, meetings with other people can serve the main relationship and do not have to downplay it by deceiving one of the members of the couple into a romantic dream that alienates him from the loved one.

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